Falling in Love is such an Easy Thing

I don't really know if it's easy or hard. I can't really say. Have I ever been in love? Am I in love now? Hah. I don't really know anything anymore -- at least, not at the moment. I'm feeling rather lonely. No one really gets what is going on. My parents don't trust me out of there sight within a ten foot pole's reach. Great. Life is just soaring at this point. And, gee, I'm just nervous about college and life in general. Like what I'm going to do with my life, where I'm going to go to college, and how I'm going to pay for it. Or better yet, how I'm going to get in. I hate life. I just hate it all. I keep thinking that things will get better. They don't. They get worse. I just sit alone. And I think. I think hard and long about all the things that are wrong with me. And I feel like I'm going to get fat. And I'm afraid to eat. And I'm hungry, but I don't want to be fat. I don't think I can handle it. God. This is ridiculous. You want to know part of what I ate for dinner tonight. Some corn on the cob and literally a bun with mustard -- nothing else, just mustard -- on it. How completely insane does that sound? Hah. I really don't know. Or understand. But I had cake and M&M's and I feel like puking them up. Really -- but it's too late to do that. If I had more self control I wouldn't have eaten that. But I don't. I fail at self control.

And I fail at talking to real people. I feel alone right now. Again. That's how I feel a lot of the time. And I feel like I lied. I told myself that I would put up stuff on this website for kamsc and tests and quizzes and stuff. At the time, I fully intended on it. But now, this is like my refuge or my sanctuary or, maybe, I'm going to get around to it. But when I have time. The funny thing is, that I wasted plenty of my time, not doing things that I was supposed to be doing -- oh no -- I wasted time watching Secret Life of the American Teenager on YouTube. Wow. What a way to spend the precious little time I have on something so dumb. And now I'm listening to "So Much Trouble" by Matt Pond PA. But the funny thing is, that I was suggested this particular song. And now I love it. But it reminds me of all the things I miss. And it is completely destroying me to listen to it. But then I remember how much I loved all those things I missed. That is what is making me feel so lonely. Even the lyrics are disillusioning. I mean it's saying, "I'm in so much trouble/ can't hide in the covers" and "I don't think I want to think about it." How much better can it get? Well, I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out.



And I want to talk to some people that I need to. But I don't feel like I can. I feel like I missed my chance. It's too late. Or maybe it's not, but I can't accept some of the circumstances going on right now. I don't know. This is sure a predicament. And my mom's still like freaking the fuck out. Great. Just wonderful. I'm stuck with absolutely no plans except for my dumbass family on the fourth of July. I completely refuse to go to another fucking parade. But look at me, being selfish. There is no reason for this behavior. But then again, maybe I'm really just messed up. I've been considering doing something constructive. Like talking to someone, but then I come to reality. And I realize that I could never do that. I just couldn't talk to some random stranger face-to-face. And that would mean talking to my mother. I barely put up with her antics as it is. But perhaps she would let me out of the house. Oh, God - hey send someone down here when you get the chance. That would be appreciated.

Even better than that...give me something back. Take me back. I always thought that I would die in a car crash or something to that effect. I'm just tired of being here. Can you please give me a way out? Or better yet, take me back in time. That's what I want the most. Take me all the way back. Please. I would really like to go back. That would be the best option. In all of this mess. I don't really know what I would do differently, though, you see. It would be hard to predict how I would change and what it would mean for the future. Would I make it better or worse. I can't answer that. But I would like to try. This is futile to wish, I know that. I'm really not an idiot or some crazy believer. I just wish. I wish a lot. And maybe I would only be allowed to pick one memory. I watched a movie -- a Japanese movie -- in which they could only pick one memory when they died. I think I should think about the one memory I would pick. Because I'm really not sure. One when I was a little bit older, probably.

Perhaps this one: I was sitting at the kitchen table with my sister. And we were talking. Just like normal. Just talking. It was my brother's birthday. And my mom says, "since when do you two talk to each other normally." Like she actually knows anything about us. As if. And I say, "we talk all the time, just not when you're here." haha. I guess that's only probably funny to me. There's another one: My sister and I were waiting for the bus to come to our house in the morning [that was our bus stop]. And I'm pretty sure that it was a good fall day. I remember looking down at the driveway and admitting to her that the only reason why I decided to run cross-country was so that I didn't have to take the smelly, disgusting bus home. That is probably one of my most vivid memories from that time period. I'm not really positive on the reason as to why. Man, that was the best year ever. 7th grade. It was really the time of my life. Everything just seemed so...perfect. It wasn't, not by any means, but damn...if I could just go back and revel in it, I would. I was such a little freak, but really, I only see that now...

okay...so maybe I'm not so sure

Remember that movie Mean Girls? With Lindsey Lohan--when she was still cool. Yeah, well, I do. See I'm trying this whole "self-improvement" mantra thing but it really gets me down when my mom never believes me and tells me that I'm ruining her life. It reminded me of that movie where Janis is talking about Regina and says..."Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives." Wow, thanks for being such a bitch, mom. I guess that I'm just that good. I'm just good enough to ruin everything. That's fucking fantastic. Awesome. So maybe I'm a little bit confused. And maybe it's not helping that your so far away. Not here to monitor me. But that's probably better because I don't want to be monitored--at least, I don't want to have to be. And, yes, I know that things are different. But the realization is, that I don't know a fucking thing. Not one little thing. I'm unsure of every step I take. I'm stumbling and bumbling through a life I've never owned. I've never really taken charge. Never made it my own. And I'm almost to the point where it has to be. THAT scares the shit out of me. I'm so unbelievably frightened of what I will become and where I will go. And I'm sick of my non-supportive family and the fact that they don't believe in me. They never have. And that is probably part of the reason that I have such a hard time believing in myself. I've never had that push. The push I had came from within. When my teachers asked me what drove me, it was not my parents, rather, it was the fact that my parents didn't drive me that lead me to be so driven.

I am not so sure. And I feel like there are so many things that I am not doing right now that I need to be doing. And I'm afraid that by doing them, I will push myself closer to that independent person that I will eventually evolve into. But regardless, I realize that every moment, every milisecond brings me that much closer to that person. I feel that I'm trying to pull back, but the more I try, the harder the force becomes yanking me forward. Makes it quite difficult to figure out just where I'm supposed to be. GAHHHH!! Why is everything so damn confusing. Life just needs to make up it's fucking mind and do something decisive for once....



yeah. like that'll happen.