okay...so maybe I'm not so sure

Remember that movie Mean Girls? With Lindsey Lohan--when she was still cool. Yeah, well, I do. See I'm trying this whole "self-improvement" mantra thing but it really gets me down when my mom never believes me and tells me that I'm ruining her life. It reminded me of that movie where Janis is talking about Regina and says..."Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives." Wow, thanks for being such a bitch, mom. I guess that I'm just that good. I'm just good enough to ruin everything. That's fucking fantastic. Awesome. So maybe I'm a little bit confused. And maybe it's not helping that your so far away. Not here to monitor me. But that's probably better because I don't want to be monitored--at least, I don't want to have to be. And, yes, I know that things are different. But the realization is, that I don't know a fucking thing. Not one little thing. I'm unsure of every step I take. I'm stumbling and bumbling through a life I've never owned. I've never really taken charge. Never made it my own. And I'm almost to the point where it has to be. THAT scares the shit out of me. I'm so unbelievably frightened of what I will become and where I will go. And I'm sick of my non-supportive family and the fact that they don't believe in me. They never have. And that is probably part of the reason that I have such a hard time believing in myself. I've never had that push. The push I had came from within. When my teachers asked me what drove me, it was not my parents, rather, it was the fact that my parents didn't drive me that lead me to be so driven.

I am not so sure. And I feel like there are so many things that I am not doing right now that I need to be doing. And I'm afraid that by doing them, I will push myself closer to that independent person that I will eventually evolve into. But regardless, I realize that every moment, every milisecond brings me that much closer to that person. I feel that I'm trying to pull back, but the more I try, the harder the force becomes yanking me forward. Makes it quite difficult to figure out just where I'm supposed to be. GAHHHH!! Why is everything so damn confusing. Life just needs to make up it's fucking mind and do something decisive for once....



yeah. like that'll happen.