I really am having a hard time not writing terrible things via facebook. The angry-ass post that is up on this site, is no longer on facebook. The reasoning is that 1) I don't want any evidence that I wrote anything [school admins are bitches and I'd rather not go there], 2) You only have to read it once to feel the punch I want you to feel, and 3) I got to the people I wanted to. Anyone else is just another person reading some note that is just there.
But OH GOD I immensely enjoy the pain of others! [What a bitch I am] I don't even know if I can help myself. It is just too easy to fuck with people that I don't like. Don't get me wrong, I have a generally nice diposition as a person...but sometimes I just EXPLODE. With rage, with anger, and with things I always wished I could say their faces. The enjoyment is sickening. Maybe I should be locked away. Hahahahahah. Ahhh I think my uncontrollable laughter is back. Last year it was pretty well contained, but freshman year, I'm sure people thought I was insane. Hah! I am. I'm so fucking insane. I love it!
But whatever. I can't even make up my mind as to whether I'm better off now, or I was before. I'd like to think it's now, but every now and then I feel a pang of lonliness. What is this? I don't want to feel it, but I just can't. I can't stop it. At least I've stopped writing angry notes that sound like I'm going to kill myself. I don't need some damn-ass counselor trying to ask me if I'm okay. Do you fucking think I'm okay?? HAAHA...God please restrain me. I will start to scare people. This is why I want to be a writer. I just want to write about the horrible things that people think, and they KNOW they think it. It's the thoughts that everybody thinks, at least inside, if not outwardly. I just possess the ability to not give a shit whether people read my shit or not. I just want to put it out there. I want people to realize that this world is fucked up, fucked over, and we should not be bending to the laws that some arbitrary person fucking made up. Things like this make my blood boil, and oh, how I want to just scream at the top of my fucking lungs that this is all wrong. But I don't. I play nice with the other children. I always have, but perhaps I won't always. I wish I could express these feelings without totally fucking my life over.
Wait...I could just do whatever the fuck I want! I'm going to hell anyway! You are too! We can all fucking go together. I have a secret...THIS IS HELL! We live in hell, and this whole world is hell. Haha. I just ONLY WISH I could tell everyone how I feel! HAHAHAAH!!! AM I THE ONLY FUCKING ONE WHO'S NORMAL ANYMORE? And what the fuck is normal....? We may never know.
My favorite quote to explain my insanity: "Damn! How much damage can you do with a pen. Man, I'm just as fucked up as you would have been, if you would have been in my shoes, but who would have thought...?"
"Because I only like playing with words, only dreaming, but, do you know, what I really want is that you should all go to hell."
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John 3:16 says that god so loved the world he gave his one and only son, and whoever believed in him will not die, but have eternal life. maybe we do live in hell, but i know i'm not going to live in it forever, and you should not have to either. remember that when the world turns it's back on you, you will always have your friends, and you will always have your family, but most important you will have god.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. This life is full of what we are supposed to do and what we want to do: who we are and what we are supposed to be. The world here is so stuffy, so caught up in the words we have to say, the attacks and etiquette we must give. There are places where this is not so, though most of them have many 'trees.'
ReplyDeleteJohn 3:16 has nothing to do with this. Keep your idea of God in your own blog.
ReplyDeleteAs stated in Pegasus 8:34 "Bible quotes are overrated".
ReplyDelete