Antidepressants

Do I need antidepressants? I hope not. Maybe what I really need is some type of tranquilizer to calm my nerves. Barbiturates, something. I just feel jittery all the time. I need some heroin or some kind of addiction to make myself feel like it's actually worth it. what the fuck. This is completely ridiculous. My life is completely ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? I've taken a liking to Lily Allen recently; not really sure as to the reason for that one. She seems real, though, and I like that. Plus her accent is hott. Hah. I'm so strangely bizarre. I really need to do something with my life. Something real. My mom wants me to live the life she always wanted and I want to live the life that I want to live. But the problem is sometimes I just don't give a fucking shit that I might be completely wrong. That's the real problem here, that I think I'm completely wrong, when really, I can't be. I refuse. I feel like I fell in with the people who are perfect for me, but at the same time, I never really fell in at all. So, then, what do I do now and is it too late? Plus, I feel like puking all the time these days and I have no idea why. Literally, I feel absolutely ill. It's not the happy, peachy feeling I want. Mmmm...but I don't feel as down in the depths of my mind as I often do when writing blog posts. I got off for a while because the school office was coming frighteningly close to searching my shit. They found it, they found everything. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. So, I know this shit can get me in trouble. But schools out, so FUCK THE WORLD. God. I really would like something to make me feel good all the time, instead of feeling like shit everyday. Maybe this is why I would like to do stupid shit, it gives me an adrenalin rush and endorphins that my brain craves ever so much. I miss my sister. Stupid fucking bitch. Why the fuck would she leave me here to find my own way? What the FUCK am I supposed to do? huh? Like where do I turn when I want to talk to someone about all this shit. That's why I'm writing this, I suppose. If I actually had someone to talk to, it might be different. I don't know shit about college or anything else, and I wasn't fucking supposed to be the first to fuck up my life in order for my brothers//others to figure it the fuck out. THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR. Fuck. everything. I hate this shit. I feel like fucking bawling my eyes out. Give me a habit. Make me someone I'm not. Change my fucking life. I know it could be worse, but what about all the people who have it better? No fucking fair. The part that hurts the most is that I feel like my friends have this life that I only wish I had...I'm such a fucking whiny baby. FUCK ME.