It's a New Day

So, it's officially a new day. I guess. Sort of. Well, okay, this is more like "metaphorical." I've decided that maybe I should stop acting like such a depressed hard-ass and actually get some real shit done. Doesn't really change myself in a negative vs. positive way necessarily, but I do believe that it will be good for me. And good for everyone else too. I suppose. I understand that this will NOT in any way be easy because it is so easy to be bad, but I think it will be legitimately worth it. It took my parents, in part, for me to realize this, but it also took myself. And I really want to not let my brain waste away, while I sit crying about how much I hate my life. And, yeah, I understand that things right now aren't exactly perfect, but honestly, I feel so much better right now that you have absolutely no idea. None whatsoever. I mean, I have never felt so freed as I do now. And you know what the funny thing is, I'm actually on lockdown from my parents. They aren't allowing me to do anything barely at all. But I'm loving it. I'm loving not doing shit and making little bracelet crafts and looking up colleges that I am hoping to go visit. It's like I just taken a step out of the life I was starting to live and into the one I want to live. I just still wish I could use my car. ehhh...! fuck. I can't. but that's not the biggest of my problems. In fact, I feel like my problems have gotten a lot smaller. Maybe I'm finally coming out of the dark hole I was sinking into. The dark hole of misery, which is definitely a good thing. I don't know what this feeling is. But I like it. It's better than all of pot and alcohol in the world...at least, that is what I am thinking. But who knows, this feeling could just be the result of a long-needed conversation that I recently had. I don't know what will happen next. I honestly don't. But I do know one thing, that I will go back to being what I was. Because, honestly, that was much more satisfying than what I was becoming. It's dangerous when you don't see or refuse to see what's happening because that makes you blind to everything. Really, every fucking thing. And that's frightening. You know, even if I didn't make that bet, I would still keep it. Because now I want to. And even if you come back with someone else on your mind, I will still keep it [though I will hope you don't], and even if it never works out because it just wasn't meant to, I will still keep it. Because, in all honesty, now I finally want to. I didn't before; I didn't. And I wasn't going to, but that's because of the place I was in at the time. I was in a place that kept me locked inside myself. Destructively. Well, whatever it was that finally allowed me to see that what I was doing was completely wrong, it is over. I am done being that person. I am new. I am fresh. And GOD FUCKING DAMMIT...I am starting all over again. Thank you. Thank you to myself. And thanks to everyone. Because I want to stop scaring myself. Maybe then, I'll get myself some friends. hahaha...nah, I'm too weird for other people. Gotta just do my own shit. ;-]

I just realized that the title of this post mirrors one of my earlier ones...haha. But I'm going to leave it because it is funny to me.