It's a New Day

So, it's officially a new day. I guess. Sort of. Well, okay, this is more like "metaphorical." I've decided that maybe I should stop acting like such a depressed hard-ass and actually get some real shit done. Doesn't really change myself in a negative vs. positive way necessarily, but I do believe that it will be good for me. And good for everyone else too. I suppose. I understand that this will NOT in any way be easy because it is so easy to be bad, but I think it will be legitimately worth it. It took my parents, in part, for me to realize this, but it also took myself. And I really want to not let my brain waste away, while I sit crying about how much I hate my life. And, yeah, I understand that things right now aren't exactly perfect, but honestly, I feel so much better right now that you have absolutely no idea. None whatsoever. I mean, I have never felt so freed as I do now. And you know what the funny thing is, I'm actually on lockdown from my parents. They aren't allowing me to do anything barely at all. But I'm loving it. I'm loving not doing shit and making little bracelet crafts and looking up colleges that I am hoping to go visit. It's like I just taken a step out of the life I was starting to live and into the one I want to live. I just still wish I could use my car. ehhh...! fuck. I can't. but that's not the biggest of my problems. In fact, I feel like my problems have gotten a lot smaller. Maybe I'm finally coming out of the dark hole I was sinking into. The dark hole of misery, which is definitely a good thing. I don't know what this feeling is. But I like it. It's better than all of pot and alcohol in the world...at least, that is what I am thinking. But who knows, this feeling could just be the result of a long-needed conversation that I recently had. I don't know what will happen next. I honestly don't. But I do know one thing, that I will go back to being what I was. Because, honestly, that was much more satisfying than what I was becoming. It's dangerous when you don't see or refuse to see what's happening because that makes you blind to everything. Really, every fucking thing. And that's frightening. You know, even if I didn't make that bet, I would still keep it. Because now I want to. And even if you come back with someone else on your mind, I will still keep it [though I will hope you don't], and even if it never works out because it just wasn't meant to, I will still keep it. Because, in all honesty, now I finally want to. I didn't before; I didn't. And I wasn't going to, but that's because of the place I was in at the time. I was in a place that kept me locked inside myself. Destructively. Well, whatever it was that finally allowed me to see that what I was doing was completely wrong, it is over. I am done being that person. I am new. I am fresh. And GOD FUCKING DAMMIT...I am starting all over again. Thank you. Thank you to myself. And thanks to everyone. Because I want to stop scaring myself. Maybe then, I'll get myself some friends. hahaha...nah, I'm too weird for other people. Gotta just do my own shit. ;-]

I just realized that the title of this post mirrors one of my earlier ones...haha. But I'm going to leave it because it is funny to me.

Antidepressants

Do I need antidepressants? I hope not. Maybe what I really need is some type of tranquilizer to calm my nerves. Barbiturates, something. I just feel jittery all the time. I need some heroin or some kind of addiction to make myself feel like it's actually worth it. what the fuck. This is completely ridiculous. My life is completely ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? I've taken a liking to Lily Allen recently; not really sure as to the reason for that one. She seems real, though, and I like that. Plus her accent is hott. Hah. I'm so strangely bizarre. I really need to do something with my life. Something real. My mom wants me to live the life she always wanted and I want to live the life that I want to live. But the problem is sometimes I just don't give a fucking shit that I might be completely wrong. That's the real problem here, that I think I'm completely wrong, when really, I can't be. I refuse. I feel like I fell in with the people who are perfect for me, but at the same time, I never really fell in at all. So, then, what do I do now and is it too late? Plus, I feel like puking all the time these days and I have no idea why. Literally, I feel absolutely ill. It's not the happy, peachy feeling I want. Mmmm...but I don't feel as down in the depths of my mind as I often do when writing blog posts. I got off for a while because the school office was coming frighteningly close to searching my shit. They found it, they found everything. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. So, I know this shit can get me in trouble. But schools out, so FUCK THE WORLD. God. I really would like something to make me feel good all the time, instead of feeling like shit everyday. Maybe this is why I would like to do stupid shit, it gives me an adrenalin rush and endorphins that my brain craves ever so much. I miss my sister. Stupid fucking bitch. Why the fuck would she leave me here to find my own way? What the FUCK am I supposed to do? huh? Like where do I turn when I want to talk to someone about all this shit. That's why I'm writing this, I suppose. If I actually had someone to talk to, it might be different. I don't know shit about college or anything else, and I wasn't fucking supposed to be the first to fuck up my life in order for my brothers//others to figure it the fuck out. THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR. Fuck. everything. I hate this shit. I feel like fucking bawling my eyes out. Give me a habit. Make me someone I'm not. Change my fucking life. I know it could be worse, but what about all the people who have it better? No fucking fair. The part that hurts the most is that I feel like my friends have this life that I only wish I had...I'm such a fucking whiny baby. FUCK ME.

God Please Restrain Me...

I really am having a hard time not writing terrible things via facebook. The angry-ass post that is up on this site, is no longer on facebook. The reasoning is that 1) I don't want any evidence that I wrote anything [school admins are bitches and I'd rather not go there], 2) You only have to read it once to feel the punch I want you to feel, and 3) I got to the people I wanted to. Anyone else is just another person reading some note that is just there.

But OH GOD I immensely enjoy the pain of others! [What a bitch I am] I don't even know if I can help myself. It is just too easy to fuck with people that I don't like. Don't get me wrong, I have a generally nice diposition as a person...but sometimes I just EXPLODE. With rage, with anger, and with things I always wished I could say their faces. The enjoyment is sickening. Maybe I should be locked away. Hahahahahah. Ahhh I think my uncontrollable laughter is back. Last year it was pretty well contained, but freshman year, I'm sure people thought I was insane. Hah! I am. I'm so fucking insane. I love it!

But whatever. I can't even make up my mind as to whether I'm better off now, or I was before. I'd like to think it's now, but every now and then I feel a pang of lonliness. What is this? I don't want to feel it, but I just can't. I can't stop it. At least I've stopped writing angry notes that sound like I'm going to kill myself. I don't need some damn-ass counselor trying to ask me if I'm okay. Do you fucking think I'm okay?? HAAHA...God please restrain me. I will start to scare people. This is why I want to be a writer. I just want to write about the horrible things that people think, and they KNOW they think it. It's the thoughts that everybody thinks, at least inside, if not outwardly. I just possess the ability to not give a shit whether people read my shit or not. I just want to put it out there. I want people to realize that this world is fucked up, fucked over, and we should not be bending to the laws that some arbitrary person fucking made up. Things like this make my blood boil, and oh, how I want to just scream at the top of my fucking lungs that this is all wrong. But I don't. I play nice with the other children. I always have, but perhaps I won't always. I wish I could express these feelings without totally fucking my life over.

Wait...I could just do whatever the fuck I want! I'm going to hell anyway! You are too! We can all fucking go together. I have a secret...THIS IS HELL! We live in hell, and this whole world is hell. Haha. I just ONLY WISH I could tell everyone how I feel! HAHAHAAH!!! AM I THE ONLY FUCKING ONE WHO'S NORMAL ANYMORE? And what the fuck is normal....? We may never know.

My favorite quote to explain my insanity: "Damn! How much damage can you do with a pen. Man, I'm just as fucked up as you would have been, if you would have been in my shoes, but who would have thought...?"

"Because I only like playing with words, only dreaming, but, do you know, what I really want is that you should all go to hell."

I guess in some way there is irony here. Irony from the fact that in the last blog before the one yesterday, I said I was alone. And here I am. All alone in my head. Once again searching for words that don't exist. But even more so, I am actually not angry anymore. Writing is an emotional release, especially when it's like screaming in a large crowd of people in the library. There's bound to be some offensive things said. But then there's me: hypocritical for both saying "fuck the world, I hate everyone" and getting mad when someone is mean to me. And I suppose that is just the way life goes. You win some, but you lose most. I feel fine today, actually, which once again surprises me. The anger has yet to subside though. Just the anger that it was for someone else. I could have handled this better if you hadn't told me that, but you did and I'm mad. And I just wasted a year and a half of my life on things that don't really matter. I'm really not one to hold judges, at least not until this year. But as isaid it before and as I'll say it again: I'm a bitch. I really have little conern for other people's feelings. My intentions were for others to feel like I felt. My job might be done then. I guess no of this really matters in the long run. But if so, then what really does? And all you motherfuckers saying it's not her fault, you and I both know you wouldn't be saying that, if you were me. And I am you and you are me because together we're just stupid human beings trapped on this godforsaken place.

Because if he didn't I wouldn't have to deal with the unlucky shit I do.

I just wrote a very long facebook note about how I think you are a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Facebook decided to delete it on me before I could publish it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm such an "immature" person, right? I know I shouldn't write these mean things. But you made me feel like shit, so I can only return the favor in my favorite passive agressive way.

Well since I am much less angry after writing the note now lost in cyberspace, I felt that I only had a few things to write.

1) FUCK YOU. GO FUCK JENNY PECK. I know that's all you wanted from me.
2) I hope you cry more often, you fucking cry baby. You are a fucking woman.
3) How could you think that I would be okay after letting my guard down and you preceding to slap me in the goddamn fucking face?
4) FUCK YOU for ruining my entire day.
5) FUCK YOU for every mean thing you have said to me.
6) FUCK YOU for throwing me onto the floor, you abusive, controlling person.

I just wanted it noted that you specifically said when I asked you about all those fucking text messages that [and I quote] "Jenny Peck has fucking thunder thighs, I could never like her" and "it's like everytime I see Jenny she gets larger."
You said it, not me. And now the internet world knows. As if that's anybody. I hope that she knows that. I hope she sees what a fucking jerk you are.

Thank you for ruining my day when I baked you a fucking cookie cake with your FUCKING name on it.
Thank you for coming to my research poster day and pretending to give a shit when I won the award for it.
Thank you for FUCKING with my life.
Thank you for fucking me over.

I just want to say that I know you didn't want a friendship, when you said you did. And you must have been referring to me when you said you lost a friend because I think you found a new fuck buddy. Why don't you go to FUCKING hell and stay there for a while. I know you won't even read this so why am I wasting my fucking time. Because this is just another way in which you waste my time.

You wasted my time, all the times I talked to you.
You wasted my time everytime I hung out with you.

I know this is what you wanted. Me to get mad at you, and to act like a bitch so that you could go the FUCK out with Jenny Peck. Great. GO FUCKING WITH HER, YOU FUCKING SHIT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES. Guess what? I am a huge fucking bitch and everybody already knows it. I don't give a shit anymore. You lied to me. Repeatedly. I don't have any respect for you any more.

I don't like your FUCKING Mars Volta. I think they're fucking stupid as hell. I don't FUCKING LIKE IT WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT LISTENING TO EMINEM IS SHITTY MUSIC. I don't fucking like it when you act like you cared, when you didn't. I don't fucking give a shit about you anymore.

I'm not happy for you going to Italy. I hope you die on your plane ride there. I'm not fucking happy about anything for you, ever. GO FUCK YOURSELF. Or BETTER YET, FUCK JENNY.
I guess I couldn't help it but rewrite part of the note. Once I got into it, the love just wouldn't fucking STOP.

I wonder if this is what teenage anst is all about. I'm pretty sure it's not just angst. I hate everyone. I am not angry writing this (surprisingly). I have just come to the conclusion that I hate people in general and I don't have to be mad about it. I just have to realize that some people are just retarded and others are so caught up in themselves, they don't realize what they are doing to the others around them. I think that happens to me a lot. I am one of those people who gets stepped on sometimes. Not intentionally, of course. I have bad luck; that's all. I hate people who want to change me. I had people who think they are hotttt shitt. Because what they don't see is that even if they're the special hot shit, they are still shit nevertheless. And nobody wants to be that. At least, nobody I know. I am just breathing in and out. Slowly. I feel alone. This is more than anst because it's always been this way. I've always been alone, and I always will be. Mostly because that is how I like it. If I wanted it any other way, it could be like that. But I think this way. I'm different from them and him and her, and mostly you. Well, partially because when I say "you" I am referring to the computer, but in the non-literal sense, I mean everyone who has ever been a "you." I know the bullshit about everyone being different, but the way I see it, everyone looks pretty similar to me. I won't take myself out of the picture entirely. I am just like everyone else in my clothes, labels, gossip, and friends. But on the otherside, I'm completely not like anyone I know. They simple would never even begin to grasp it. And I just sound like I'm being selfish. Yeah. I am being selfish. Sometimes I try not to be until I realize that I just don't give a damn about other people's feelings. I make it seem like I don't want people to be mad at me and that I am a generally agreeable person, but really it's not like that at all. I don't give a damn if you are pissed at me. I don't give a shit that you fell (it's funny). I don't give a shit if you want to go out (because I fucking don't). I think there are too many bitchy people running the world.
In fact, on an entirely different topic altogether, the government pisses me off. I feel like nobody ever really figured out a new government. The first people tried, but they were really counting on people after them to fix it. We never fixed it. I understand the argument that our system is working and seems to be all fine and dandy. But it's not. It's corrupt and always will be. The problem isn't the system. It's the people. Not the people in office, not the president and senators currently there. It's people in general. They are stupid, especially in masses. They are stupid and ignorant. And they base choices on religious beliefs. And religion is a pile of shit. All religion. Not just Christianity but they are my favorite to address because I know them best. I hate how everyone who believes in a religion insist that they are right. They are always right because they fucking own the world. News flash: You don't.
I don't want to go to highschool. I don't want to go to college. I don't want to live here. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to have to fight for my job. I don't want competition or the free market. I don't want to hear any more about this failing economy or the stimulus package. I don't want this earth. I don't want this time. I don't want anything, except to complain about how I hate it here. I don't even have a good reason. I'm not starving on the street. I'm just a dumbass highschooler that doesn't know anything. I guess this exemplifies my selfishness.
If this could all just stop, I would be totally fine with it. Or perhaps if you could give me some soma. Wouldn't that be good.

A New Day

So much for being interesting or important, but hey, cut me some slack here. There are still probably a million and two things I ought to be doing right now (including reading Utopia by Thomas More...which I was supposed to have started about two and a half weeks ago). What is the deal? I guess this will come back to bite me in the ass eventually, so whatever it's not a big deal. I like writing in this blog because I can write like I think (which coincidentally, is how I talk as well.) I'm trying to look up facts for impromptu while simultaneously thinking about how I need to read Utopia as well as Night. But as usual, I have to be up and going once more. This is wonderous. I need a new life. If you could order me one right up that would be fantastic. Ta ta.