Falling in Love is such an Easy Thing

I don't really know if it's easy or hard. I can't really say. Have I ever been in love? Am I in love now? Hah. I don't really know anything anymore -- at least, not at the moment. I'm feeling rather lonely. No one really gets what is going on. My parents don't trust me out of there sight within a ten foot pole's reach. Great. Life is just soaring at this point. And, gee, I'm just nervous about college and life in general. Like what I'm going to do with my life, where I'm going to go to college, and how I'm going to pay for it. Or better yet, how I'm going to get in. I hate life. I just hate it all. I keep thinking that things will get better. They don't. They get worse. I just sit alone. And I think. I think hard and long about all the things that are wrong with me. And I feel like I'm going to get fat. And I'm afraid to eat. And I'm hungry, but I don't want to be fat. I don't think I can handle it. God. This is ridiculous. You want to know part of what I ate for dinner tonight. Some corn on the cob and literally a bun with mustard -- nothing else, just mustard -- on it. How completely insane does that sound? Hah. I really don't know. Or understand. But I had cake and M&M's and I feel like puking them up. Really -- but it's too late to do that. If I had more self control I wouldn't have eaten that. But I don't. I fail at self control.

And I fail at talking to real people. I feel alone right now. Again. That's how I feel a lot of the time. And I feel like I lied. I told myself that I would put up stuff on this website for kamsc and tests and quizzes and stuff. At the time, I fully intended on it. But now, this is like my refuge or my sanctuary or, maybe, I'm going to get around to it. But when I have time. The funny thing is, that I wasted plenty of my time, not doing things that I was supposed to be doing -- oh no -- I wasted time watching Secret Life of the American Teenager on YouTube. Wow. What a way to spend the precious little time I have on something so dumb. And now I'm listening to "So Much Trouble" by Matt Pond PA. But the funny thing is, that I was suggested this particular song. And now I love it. But it reminds me of all the things I miss. And it is completely destroying me to listen to it. But then I remember how much I loved all those things I missed. That is what is making me feel so lonely. Even the lyrics are disillusioning. I mean it's saying, "I'm in so much trouble/ can't hide in the covers" and "I don't think I want to think about it." How much better can it get? Well, I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out.



And I want to talk to some people that I need to. But I don't feel like I can. I feel like I missed my chance. It's too late. Or maybe it's not, but I can't accept some of the circumstances going on right now. I don't know. This is sure a predicament. And my mom's still like freaking the fuck out. Great. Just wonderful. I'm stuck with absolutely no plans except for my dumbass family on the fourth of July. I completely refuse to go to another fucking parade. But look at me, being selfish. There is no reason for this behavior. But then again, maybe I'm really just messed up. I've been considering doing something constructive. Like talking to someone, but then I come to reality. And I realize that I could never do that. I just couldn't talk to some random stranger face-to-face. And that would mean talking to my mother. I barely put up with her antics as it is. But perhaps she would let me out of the house. Oh, God - hey send someone down here when you get the chance. That would be appreciated.

Even better than that...give me something back. Take me back. I always thought that I would die in a car crash or something to that effect. I'm just tired of being here. Can you please give me a way out? Or better yet, take me back in time. That's what I want the most. Take me all the way back. Please. I would really like to go back. That would be the best option. In all of this mess. I don't really know what I would do differently, though, you see. It would be hard to predict how I would change and what it would mean for the future. Would I make it better or worse. I can't answer that. But I would like to try. This is futile to wish, I know that. I'm really not an idiot or some crazy believer. I just wish. I wish a lot. And maybe I would only be allowed to pick one memory. I watched a movie -- a Japanese movie -- in which they could only pick one memory when they died. I think I should think about the one memory I would pick. Because I'm really not sure. One when I was a little bit older, probably.

Perhaps this one: I was sitting at the kitchen table with my sister. And we were talking. Just like normal. Just talking. It was my brother's birthday. And my mom says, "since when do you two talk to each other normally." Like she actually knows anything about us. As if. And I say, "we talk all the time, just not when you're here." haha. I guess that's only probably funny to me. There's another one: My sister and I were waiting for the bus to come to our house in the morning [that was our bus stop]. And I'm pretty sure that it was a good fall day. I remember looking down at the driveway and admitting to her that the only reason why I decided to run cross-country was so that I didn't have to take the smelly, disgusting bus home. That is probably one of my most vivid memories from that time period. I'm not really positive on the reason as to why. Man, that was the best year ever. 7th grade. It was really the time of my life. Everything just seemed so...perfect. It wasn't, not by any means, but damn...if I could just go back and revel in it, I would. I was such a little freak, but really, I only see that now...

okay...so maybe I'm not so sure

Remember that movie Mean Girls? With Lindsey Lohan--when she was still cool. Yeah, well, I do. See I'm trying this whole "self-improvement" mantra thing but it really gets me down when my mom never believes me and tells me that I'm ruining her life. It reminded me of that movie where Janis is talking about Regina and says..."Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives." Wow, thanks for being such a bitch, mom. I guess that I'm just that good. I'm just good enough to ruin everything. That's fucking fantastic. Awesome. So maybe I'm a little bit confused. And maybe it's not helping that your so far away. Not here to monitor me. But that's probably better because I don't want to be monitored--at least, I don't want to have to be. And, yes, I know that things are different. But the realization is, that I don't know a fucking thing. Not one little thing. I'm unsure of every step I take. I'm stumbling and bumbling through a life I've never owned. I've never really taken charge. Never made it my own. And I'm almost to the point where it has to be. THAT scares the shit out of me. I'm so unbelievably frightened of what I will become and where I will go. And I'm sick of my non-supportive family and the fact that they don't believe in me. They never have. And that is probably part of the reason that I have such a hard time believing in myself. I've never had that push. The push I had came from within. When my teachers asked me what drove me, it was not my parents, rather, it was the fact that my parents didn't drive me that lead me to be so driven.

I am not so sure. And I feel like there are so many things that I am not doing right now that I need to be doing. And I'm afraid that by doing them, I will push myself closer to that independent person that I will eventually evolve into. But regardless, I realize that every moment, every milisecond brings me that much closer to that person. I feel that I'm trying to pull back, but the more I try, the harder the force becomes yanking me forward. Makes it quite difficult to figure out just where I'm supposed to be. GAHHHH!! Why is everything so damn confusing. Life just needs to make up it's fucking mind and do something decisive for once....



yeah. like that'll happen.

It's a New Day

So, it's officially a new day. I guess. Sort of. Well, okay, this is more like "metaphorical." I've decided that maybe I should stop acting like such a depressed hard-ass and actually get some real shit done. Doesn't really change myself in a negative vs. positive way necessarily, but I do believe that it will be good for me. And good for everyone else too. I suppose. I understand that this will NOT in any way be easy because it is so easy to be bad, but I think it will be legitimately worth it. It took my parents, in part, for me to realize this, but it also took myself. And I really want to not let my brain waste away, while I sit crying about how much I hate my life. And, yeah, I understand that things right now aren't exactly perfect, but honestly, I feel so much better right now that you have absolutely no idea. None whatsoever. I mean, I have never felt so freed as I do now. And you know what the funny thing is, I'm actually on lockdown from my parents. They aren't allowing me to do anything barely at all. But I'm loving it. I'm loving not doing shit and making little bracelet crafts and looking up colleges that I am hoping to go visit. It's like I just taken a step out of the life I was starting to live and into the one I want to live. I just still wish I could use my car. ehhh...! fuck. I can't. but that's not the biggest of my problems. In fact, I feel like my problems have gotten a lot smaller. Maybe I'm finally coming out of the dark hole I was sinking into. The dark hole of misery, which is definitely a good thing. I don't know what this feeling is. But I like it. It's better than all of pot and alcohol in the world...at least, that is what I am thinking. But who knows, this feeling could just be the result of a long-needed conversation that I recently had. I don't know what will happen next. I honestly don't. But I do know one thing, that I will go back to being what I was. Because, honestly, that was much more satisfying than what I was becoming. It's dangerous when you don't see or refuse to see what's happening because that makes you blind to everything. Really, every fucking thing. And that's frightening. You know, even if I didn't make that bet, I would still keep it. Because now I want to. And even if you come back with someone else on your mind, I will still keep it [though I will hope you don't], and even if it never works out because it just wasn't meant to, I will still keep it. Because, in all honesty, now I finally want to. I didn't before; I didn't. And I wasn't going to, but that's because of the place I was in at the time. I was in a place that kept me locked inside myself. Destructively. Well, whatever it was that finally allowed me to see that what I was doing was completely wrong, it is over. I am done being that person. I am new. I am fresh. And GOD FUCKING DAMMIT...I am starting all over again. Thank you. Thank you to myself. And thanks to everyone. Because I want to stop scaring myself. Maybe then, I'll get myself some friends. hahaha...nah, I'm too weird for other people. Gotta just do my own shit. ;-]

I just realized that the title of this post mirrors one of my earlier ones...haha. But I'm going to leave it because it is funny to me.

Antidepressants

Do I need antidepressants? I hope not. Maybe what I really need is some type of tranquilizer to calm my nerves. Barbiturates, something. I just feel jittery all the time. I need some heroin or some kind of addiction to make myself feel like it's actually worth it. what the fuck. This is completely ridiculous. My life is completely ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? I've taken a liking to Lily Allen recently; not really sure as to the reason for that one. She seems real, though, and I like that. Plus her accent is hott. Hah. I'm so strangely bizarre. I really need to do something with my life. Something real. My mom wants me to live the life she always wanted and I want to live the life that I want to live. But the problem is sometimes I just don't give a fucking shit that I might be completely wrong. That's the real problem here, that I think I'm completely wrong, when really, I can't be. I refuse. I feel like I fell in with the people who are perfect for me, but at the same time, I never really fell in at all. So, then, what do I do now and is it too late? Plus, I feel like puking all the time these days and I have no idea why. Literally, I feel absolutely ill. It's not the happy, peachy feeling I want. Mmmm...but I don't feel as down in the depths of my mind as I often do when writing blog posts. I got off for a while because the school office was coming frighteningly close to searching my shit. They found it, they found everything. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. So, I know this shit can get me in trouble. But schools out, so FUCK THE WORLD. God. I really would like something to make me feel good all the time, instead of feeling like shit everyday. Maybe this is why I would like to do stupid shit, it gives me an adrenalin rush and endorphins that my brain craves ever so much. I miss my sister. Stupid fucking bitch. Why the fuck would she leave me here to find my own way? What the FUCK am I supposed to do? huh? Like where do I turn when I want to talk to someone about all this shit. That's why I'm writing this, I suppose. If I actually had someone to talk to, it might be different. I don't know shit about college or anything else, and I wasn't fucking supposed to be the first to fuck up my life in order for my brothers//others to figure it the fuck out. THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR. Fuck. everything. I hate this shit. I feel like fucking bawling my eyes out. Give me a habit. Make me someone I'm not. Change my fucking life. I know it could be worse, but what about all the people who have it better? No fucking fair. The part that hurts the most is that I feel like my friends have this life that I only wish I had...I'm such a fucking whiny baby. FUCK ME.

God Please Restrain Me...

I really am having a hard time not writing terrible things via facebook. The angry-ass post that is up on this site, is no longer on facebook. The reasoning is that 1) I don't want any evidence that I wrote anything [school admins are bitches and I'd rather not go there], 2) You only have to read it once to feel the punch I want you to feel, and 3) I got to the people I wanted to. Anyone else is just another person reading some note that is just there.

But OH GOD I immensely enjoy the pain of others! [What a bitch I am] I don't even know if I can help myself. It is just too easy to fuck with people that I don't like. Don't get me wrong, I have a generally nice diposition as a person...but sometimes I just EXPLODE. With rage, with anger, and with things I always wished I could say their faces. The enjoyment is sickening. Maybe I should be locked away. Hahahahahah. Ahhh I think my uncontrollable laughter is back. Last year it was pretty well contained, but freshman year, I'm sure people thought I was insane. Hah! I am. I'm so fucking insane. I love it!

But whatever. I can't even make up my mind as to whether I'm better off now, or I was before. I'd like to think it's now, but every now and then I feel a pang of lonliness. What is this? I don't want to feel it, but I just can't. I can't stop it. At least I've stopped writing angry notes that sound like I'm going to kill myself. I don't need some damn-ass counselor trying to ask me if I'm okay. Do you fucking think I'm okay?? HAAHA...God please restrain me. I will start to scare people. This is why I want to be a writer. I just want to write about the horrible things that people think, and they KNOW they think it. It's the thoughts that everybody thinks, at least inside, if not outwardly. I just possess the ability to not give a shit whether people read my shit or not. I just want to put it out there. I want people to realize that this world is fucked up, fucked over, and we should not be bending to the laws that some arbitrary person fucking made up. Things like this make my blood boil, and oh, how I want to just scream at the top of my fucking lungs that this is all wrong. But I don't. I play nice with the other children. I always have, but perhaps I won't always. I wish I could express these feelings without totally fucking my life over.

Wait...I could just do whatever the fuck I want! I'm going to hell anyway! You are too! We can all fucking go together. I have a secret...THIS IS HELL! We live in hell, and this whole world is hell. Haha. I just ONLY WISH I could tell everyone how I feel! HAHAHAAH!!! AM I THE ONLY FUCKING ONE WHO'S NORMAL ANYMORE? And what the fuck is normal....? We may never know.

My favorite quote to explain my insanity: "Damn! How much damage can you do with a pen. Man, I'm just as fucked up as you would have been, if you would have been in my shoes, but who would have thought...?"

"Because I only like playing with words, only dreaming, but, do you know, what I really want is that you should all go to hell."

I guess in some way there is irony here. Irony from the fact that in the last blog before the one yesterday, I said I was alone. And here I am. All alone in my head. Once again searching for words that don't exist. But even more so, I am actually not angry anymore. Writing is an emotional release, especially when it's like screaming in a large crowd of people in the library. There's bound to be some offensive things said. But then there's me: hypocritical for both saying "fuck the world, I hate everyone" and getting mad when someone is mean to me. And I suppose that is just the way life goes. You win some, but you lose most. I feel fine today, actually, which once again surprises me. The anger has yet to subside though. Just the anger that it was for someone else. I could have handled this better if you hadn't told me that, but you did and I'm mad. And I just wasted a year and a half of my life on things that don't really matter. I'm really not one to hold judges, at least not until this year. But as isaid it before and as I'll say it again: I'm a bitch. I really have little conern for other people's feelings. My intentions were for others to feel like I felt. My job might be done then. I guess no of this really matters in the long run. But if so, then what really does? And all you motherfuckers saying it's not her fault, you and I both know you wouldn't be saying that, if you were me. And I am you and you are me because together we're just stupid human beings trapped on this godforsaken place.

Because if he didn't I wouldn't have to deal with the unlucky shit I do.

I just wrote a very long facebook note about how I think you are a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Facebook decided to delete it on me before I could publish it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm such an "immature" person, right? I know I shouldn't write these mean things. But you made me feel like shit, so I can only return the favor in my favorite passive agressive way.

Well since I am much less angry after writing the note now lost in cyberspace, I felt that I only had a few things to write.

1) FUCK YOU. GO FUCK JENNY PECK. I know that's all you wanted from me.
2) I hope you cry more often, you fucking cry baby. You are a fucking woman.
3) How could you think that I would be okay after letting my guard down and you preceding to slap me in the goddamn fucking face?
4) FUCK YOU for ruining my entire day.
5) FUCK YOU for every mean thing you have said to me.
6) FUCK YOU for throwing me onto the floor, you abusive, controlling person.

I just wanted it noted that you specifically said when I asked you about all those fucking text messages that [and I quote] "Jenny Peck has fucking thunder thighs, I could never like her" and "it's like everytime I see Jenny she gets larger."
You said it, not me. And now the internet world knows. As if that's anybody. I hope that she knows that. I hope she sees what a fucking jerk you are.

Thank you for ruining my day when I baked you a fucking cookie cake with your FUCKING name on it.
Thank you for coming to my research poster day and pretending to give a shit when I won the award for it.
Thank you for FUCKING with my life.
Thank you for fucking me over.

I just want to say that I know you didn't want a friendship, when you said you did. And you must have been referring to me when you said you lost a friend because I think you found a new fuck buddy. Why don't you go to FUCKING hell and stay there for a while. I know you won't even read this so why am I wasting my fucking time. Because this is just another way in which you waste my time.

You wasted my time, all the times I talked to you.
You wasted my time everytime I hung out with you.

I know this is what you wanted. Me to get mad at you, and to act like a bitch so that you could go the FUCK out with Jenny Peck. Great. GO FUCKING WITH HER, YOU FUCKING SHIT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES. Guess what? I am a huge fucking bitch and everybody already knows it. I don't give a shit anymore. You lied to me. Repeatedly. I don't have any respect for you any more.

I don't like your FUCKING Mars Volta. I think they're fucking stupid as hell. I don't FUCKING LIKE IT WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT LISTENING TO EMINEM IS SHITTY MUSIC. I don't fucking like it when you act like you cared, when you didn't. I don't fucking give a shit about you anymore.

I'm not happy for you going to Italy. I hope you die on your plane ride there. I'm not fucking happy about anything for you, ever. GO FUCK YOURSELF. Or BETTER YET, FUCK JENNY.
I guess I couldn't help it but rewrite part of the note. Once I got into it, the love just wouldn't fucking STOP.